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Author Topic: Lexophilia  (Read 174 times)

Poppa Tommo

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Lexophilia
« on: April 08, 2014, 08:26:05 AM »

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
 
I know there are some on here whose verbosity and loquaciousness or should that be loquacity is legendary - won't mention any names- so I thought you might have. Smile at these.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
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Westheathdave

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2014, 02:57:20 PM »

 ROL :-))  lol(1) Bloody brilliant really good keep em commin  clap:-)  :-Yes
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scary crow

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2014, 07:05:02 PM »

 clap:-)  yer like them tommy heres a couple more

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
.
 Time flies like an arrow.    Fruit flies like a banana.    A backward poet writes inverse.     In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.    . A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.  . If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.     . . Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.   . .  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.     . Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.   .

A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………
 When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
………………………………………………………………
. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
………………………………………………………………
. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
………………………………………………………………
. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
………………………………………………………………
. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
………………………………………………………………
. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
………………………………………………………………
. Diarrhea:  hardening of the farteries.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2014, 08:15:10 PM by scary crow »
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Big Gee

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2014, 09:43:20 PM »

 clap:-) Very Good!

I see a lot of Tommy Cooper fans here!  HTT:-}
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squirrel

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2014, 11:42:00 PM »

 clap:-) I like them all  clap:-)

 ROL :-))  :-Yes  ROL :-))
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wonky

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2014, 02:09:48 PM »

And a few more - hopefully not too many repeats!!

·  I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.

·  When chemists die, they barium.

·  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is  now a seasoned veteran.

·  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.

·  How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.

·  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

·  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,  but I'd never met herbivore.

·  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

·  I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

·  They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·  This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

·  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·  A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

·  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·  What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

·  I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·  Broken pencils are pointless.

·  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

·  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

·  All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
   Police say they have nothing to go on.

·  I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·  Velcro - what a rip off!

·  Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

wonky.
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Westheathdave

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2014, 07:43:42 PM »

I am useless at these though I do love em, had this one told me only one I am afraid to say.

Last night the local chemists was broken into and viagra was stolen, the police said they are looking for hardened criminals.
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Big Gee

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2014, 10:39:29 PM »

Keep this up & I'll be able to memorise them all and start a stand up comedy act to earn some money in my old age!  cwl:-]
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squirrel

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2014, 08:34:18 AM »

Then you will have the cash to take your loony lot through the courts BG without any bother. I'll buy a ticket.
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Big Gee

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2014, 09:07:13 AM »

lol(1) No probs there Fluffy - the civil side of things is just a County Court small claims division job. It's quite an easy D.I.Y. process - as long as you present your prosecution statements in a clear & concise way with no irrelevances, then it's just a question of making sure you follow the correct process & leave the rest to the CC judge. The criminal side should be dealt with by the CPS.

I've done it a few times before - 100% success rate so far! So I won't have to act like a clown to get money to prosecute clowns!  :-)snigger
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wonky

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2014, 06:13:06 PM »

Hope you have all the previous ones memorised ready for you going on stage BG 'cos here are some more:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.
 
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the chop.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
 
4. Next, I tried working in a Silencer Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - thought it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but no matter how I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
 
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.   

wonky.
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Poppa Tommo

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2014, 07:01:55 PM »

These are the best ones so far.
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scary crow

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2014, 07:06:14 PM »

 lol(1)  Very good wonky have to agree with Tommy the best so far  clap:-)    lol(1)
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Westheathdave

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2014, 10:18:58 PM »

 ROL :-)) Very good have emailed em to a couple of old workmates, cheer em upa bit.  :-Yes
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Big Gee

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Re: Lexophilia
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2014, 11:30:26 PM »

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